Last verified/updated: March 12, 2000

Part 3 of 3

ADOPTION SEARCH: Before You Begin

Part III

GETTING STARTED

There are no guarantees. 85% of searches are successful at finding the person sought. All the sealed records are doing is costing those involved additional trauma, time and money.

Have faith there are many ways to get through this. They can take from a few hours to several years, most are taking less than one year.

How much will this cost? That's a tough question. The first cost is the group membership dues, or consultant's fees, and books. The next and probably highest cost will be long distance phone calls. Some states have government or agencies charge fees for the non-identifying information. Then you will have $10.00 to $20.00 fees for copies of public records which are accessible, and $25.00+ for other look-up services in data bases. You are definitely not on a lost cause, and it should be within a reachable cost range.

RULE #1

CONTACT A SEARCH GROUP/CONSULTANT for the AREA OF THE BIRTH-ADOPTION!

You must know what the correct steps are for that state! Until you are told otherwise, do not order copies of birth certificates, hospital records, non-identifying information, anything!

RULE #2

KEEP COPIES OF EVERYTHING FROM HERE ON!

Get yourself a three-ring notebook, and write down everything! Keep track of phone calls, when you called, who took the call, their title, what you asked, what they said -- what they did not say. Their attitude. Your impressions, and feelings you received from the call.

In this journal keep track of your own personal feelings and emotions. It helps to write out things.

An exercise you can do, right after you do the next step, to begin preparing you for what is to come, is to write a letter to the person you are searching for. You will probably never mail it, it will just help you to put together your feelings. A couple of points to work on are two questions that will inevitably come up. "What do you want?" "Why now?" These are almost impossible to answer, but try.

RULE #3

DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU ARE TOLD!

Unfortunately, when it comes to adoption people will lie. Those normally upstanding, law abiding, straight arrows will lie. They can look you in the eye, with a straight face, in a soft sweet voice and lie. This includes your family (sorry, but...) lawyers, doctors and social workers. Of course, they justify this lying as being in your best interest.

Some of the things you are told are facts, may have been written down wrong, or not at all. So take what you learn with a grain (or pound) of salt, it may not be the truth.

People are upset when I say things like this, but after working with over a thousand people, I know what I am talking about!

Until we are able to actually have true and accurate copies, see with our own eyes the agency files, court files, etc, we will not know where the discrepancies come from. Until then, the information remains suspect.

Even in cases where there was suppose to be abuse, there is a strong possibility there wasn't, or it was greatly exaggerated. If you have heard you were abandoned, that may not be true. After reunions we have heard unbelievable stories of injustice in the system. Dead birthparents and babies turn out to be alive. The lies are incredible. It is one of the reasons why adoption agents do not want us to know each other.

THINGS TO DO

You need to start reading the books from the book list, and attend group meetings as you go through the process. Some of the books are tough reading, but you need to do it. Get your head out of the sand. Open your eyes and ears.

Probably the hardest part of a search will be to pace yourself. Look before you leap, or you could land in a hole! Going a 100 mph will only wear you out quickly.

Now that you have made your decision to search you are probably eager to get started. The next decision you make will be critical, who will help you? Take your time. You must feel good about your search assistant.

START by writing a letter to each of the individuals and groups listed in the back of the booklet. Ask about their dues and fees. Ask what areas they work in. What restrictions apply. What types of assistance they provide. What the current laws are in that state. Before rushing about make sure you know the answer to this. If you go rushing about you could close-up a valuable lead.

In the letter include some basic information. Adoptee's date of birth, sex, place of birth, place of adoption, who facilitated the adoption.

You do not need to worry about explaining why you are searching, "we" feel it is your right. If you want to invite them to call, you need to allow them to call you collect. "We" do NOT have the funds to make long distance phone calls. Always include a SASE (self-addressed stamped envelope).

YOU, YOUR SUPPORT GROUP,

and THE ADOPTION REFORM MOVEMENT.

Support groups are volunteer, non-profit organizations. Most of the work they do requires time. Their largest expenses involve the phone, printing and postage.

What are the reform movement's expectations of you?

We expect you to take your RIGHTS & RESPONSIBILITIES to "all" your family seriously.

We expect you to learn the truth in adoption by being involved with the group and reading. Then share that truth with others. Those who are affected by adoption and those who are not.

We realize that while a person is involved in the search process they are fairly well consumed in their own situation. We expect you to stay involved in the group after your reunion to help those who follow.

We expect you to work for changes in adoption practices and laws. By writing letters and giving testimony to the legislature.

We expect you to keep search techniques SECRET. A technique that was used in another state's public records is now gone. They learned that the records were being used in adoption searches. This not only hurt the reform movement, it hurt all genealogists. If someone is not a member of your group, they do not need to know how searches are done. This includes your family and friends, and the person you find. We want to keep searching legal!

Tell your story. We hear incredible stories that need to be told to the legislators. If we tell your story without confirmation from you, the legislators assume it is an exaggeration and a lie. We must get these stories in writing.

You may not think your story is important enough to be recorded. You may not be aware of the significance of your story. Every story is important, and needs to be told.

If you are not comfortable with writing the story yourself, we will help you. We do this in a "Written Testimony" format. Your story can be elaborate or quite simple. It can cover one aspect of your adoption experience or many. The telling of your story is also a part of the healing process.

We need volunteers. You may not feel qualified, you are not alone. Most of us are not formally trained, but we will do our best to help you along.

There are many other things you can do to be involved in the reform movement. You can be a search assistant. You can train to be a listening partner.

Are you in school? Write every paper you possibly can on the subject of adoption. This helps educate the public. We would love to have a copy of your paper for our collection.

Just being active in support group meetings is important.

Do you belong to a club or organization that has guest speakers? Arrange for one of our speakers to do a presentation. The speeches are designed for the general audience, Rotary, Kiwanis, churches, or specific groups, schools, teachers and students, nurses, counselors, attorneys, etc...

Just being active in the support group and general meetings is important.

If you would happen to be fortunate and have your birthparent's or birthchild's name, phone number and address right now, you are probably not ready for that initial contact. This contact must be made in a discreet and compassionate manner and for that we want you to be properly prepared. This booklet is not long enough to cover that. See my booklet "ADOPTION SEARCH: Making Contact."

The objective of adoption reform is to make adoption more humane and less cruel. To heal wounds and right wrongs of the past. To reduce the built-in dysfunction. To acknowledge the truth and promote open honest familial relationships.

The adoptive family is not just like, or better than the family with children born into it.

Adoption is not a one time event. It does not end with the decree or when the adoptee becomes an adult. Adoption is a lifelong experience.

It is time to take the triangle with its sides and sharp points and round the edges into a circle of love. There is just one family that has been built in several ways birth, marriage and adoption.

Your financial support is important to the survival of support groups and the reform movement. Please send a donation for this booklet to the group you received it from, so the next person in a similar situation can receive a copy. Or join a support group and support adoption reform. If you cannot afford the dues let the group know. Many will make special arrangements.

Give a support a call and see if they can work with you in putting together a plan of action. Let them know how they can be of assistance to you. Now is the time to take control of your life and go forward. Take action today!

Sincerely,

READING LIST

for beginners

Some of these books can be bought at support group meetings or ordered through local book stores.

If you do not read anything else this first book is a MUST!

Mini-Books: Other mini-books by Ginni Snodgrass
(These books are not available at this time.)

There are dozens of books written on the subject of adoption reform. This list is just meant to get you started. Get a book list from the AAC.

Stop by the ANSRS' Forum

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Ginni D Snodgrass
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