Part 2 of 3

What age? I feel that all reunions should have happened yesterday. If a child is having difficulties it is hard to say just how much of that is directly related to the adoption experience. A reunion could help relieve some of the difficulties.

But with a young adoptee the birth parent needs to be well informed of the true issues in adoption, and proceed exceedingly cautious

This is an area where the reform movement and support groups have strong variations of philosophies and policies.

When an adoptee is a minor (and only when a minor) contact should be made to the adoptive parents. Adult adoptees resent, and rightfully so, the implication of "forever the child" that the laws imply and actions of others indicate. Once an adoptee becomes an adult the contact should be to the adoptee. It should be solely up to the adoptee whom they communicate with.

One thing we hear from adoptees is that they just want some information, a medical history, and sometimes will go as far to say they want to know siblings. They are afraid to admit wanting to know their birthmother; they do not want to appear ungrateful and disloyal. To want to know more about yourself is not being ungrateful or disloyal. There is a true psychological need to know all the people you are related to. To repress this need is to stifle emotional growth.

You cannot get a medical history without your birth-family being contacted. What, if any, medical information was collected 20, 30, 50 years ago is not valid today.

If you are searching for siblings only. It is very likely when you find your siblings; you will find your birthparents. You are taking a responsibility to be kind and listen to what happened to your birthparents so many years ago. There is a strong likelihood that they had little control over the situation. Now is the time to rid yourself of all that anger towards your birthparents. That anger is unhealthy!

You cannot simply reintroduce yourself to your birthparents then walk away. That would not be right. More likely than not, your birthmother has grieved for you and is anxiously awaiting the day when she can know you again. You do not know what truly happened so many years ago that caused your adoption. As good as it will be for her, it will also be difficult. It will involve dredging up old painful memories. I am not saying you have to become buddies, but you must be willing to give as well as take. You both have needs that need to be fulfilled.

Young adults, late teens early twenties. These reunions can tend to be difficult for birthparents, even when the adoptee does the seeking. These adoptees need information about their heritage, but they are at a time in their life when they are trying to break away from the older generations, not add more.

Birthparents, yes, they need you at this age, but they may not have a lot time for you because they are busy with friends, work, and school. More patience. Young adoptees, if you go searching at this time in your life remember you are taking on a responsibility.

Adoptive parents, congratulations on your confidence in your relationship with your son/daughter. Not many adoptive parents are able to put aside their own fears and help their sons and daughters in a search.

I would like to tell you what will happen in your relationship with your children. I have been involved with many hundreds of people. Plenty enough to know of what I speak.

I do not know of one situation where the relationship has been diminished. In nearly all situations it enhanced their relationship. Even when the adoptee has a very strong relationship with their birth-family.

A word of caution. As marvelous as it is that you are so willing to help your adult son/daughter search, do not control it. It is their search. It is necessary for them to complete. One of the important things for an adoptee to get out of a search, reunion and reconciliation is to do for themselves. Take control of their life. Help a lot, but do not do it. Working together on a search can be a great opportunity to enhance your relationship as long as you can talk openly.

A critical point. This is probably going to be painful to you, after all the help you have given, but do not go with your son/daughter on the first meeting. This is a time for the two of them alone. It will be an extremely awkward time and more than just the two of them will make it even more so. This is a time they need to think for themselves. They need to decide for themselves what they think of each other. Too many people for too long have been telling them things about the person they are going to meet. This is not a time for input from others as to what "kind" of a person someone is. There will be plenty of time in the future for you to share with your son/daughter's birthparents.

Adoptees -- talk to your adoptive parents! First a part of what a search is all about is "Tell Me - No More Secrets, No More Lies." This is about open honest relationships. Second, they may very well hold valuable information. Your adoptive parents have a legal right to paperwork that probably has your birth name and possibly your birthmother's full name.

Wanting to know more about yourself is not being ungrateful and disloyal! It is a positive sign of personal growth. Adoptees do not want to hurt their adoptive parents, but people cannot be responsible for other people's feelings. When adoptive parents say they are hurt by their son/daughters searching it is because they choose to feel hurt. It is up to them how they feel.

Other than the Federal Indian Child Welfare Act there are currently no laws governing adoption search and reunion/reconciliation. There is a bill that has been proposed for years to create a federal reunion registry, but the time for this has long since passed, as we now know that registries do not work. More money and more control over our lives.

Federal law has made special provisions for adoptees who are of Native American descent. We are surprised at the numbers of adoptees who fall into this category who do not appear to be of Native American ancestry.

SECTION 107. [aka 25 USC 1917] Upon application by an Indian individual who has reached the age of eighteen and who was the subject of an adoptive placement, the court which entered the final decree shall inform such individual of the tribal affiliation, if any, of the individual's biological parents and provide such other information as may be necessary to protect any rights from flowing from the individual's tribal relationship.

This is a little used fact in adoption laws. Federal laws over rule state laws. Some courts are ignoring this law.

The biggest problem is that many of us have an Indian heritage, but nothing in our records will indicate such, and we are not personally aware of it.

How much Indian ancestry counts? It is called blood quantum, or blood degree, and it varies according to the tribe. Some tribes have a cut-off at 1/8th, but others include less. To enroll as a Cherokee, all you have to do is trace back a direct connection to a relative who was on the 1904 roll.

In 1989 the Oregon state legislature enacted a new law to circumvent this. Oregon law now says that identifying information for purposes of tribal lineage is limited to the tribe itself, with the requirement they do not disclose identifying information to the adoptee. Direct conflict with federal law.

We have listed search groups and assistants for the area of the birth/adoption and/or your home. (These are in the back of the booklet.) When doing a long distance search we recommend you become involved in two groups, one at home and one in the area of search.

The group close to the area of the birth/adoption can advise you on that state's laws, practices and loop holes for getting information. We cannot emphasize enough the importance of working with someone from the area of the birth/adoption. If you followed the steps for Oregon, in Michigan you would close up a valuable source. Who knows what it would do in other states?

The one at home can give you emotional support, a necessary part of the search process.

"Our" search groups/assistants are more effective than most private detectives, attorneys, and adoption agencies, and cost a lot less. "We" leave you in control. Many private detectives and attorneys require that they make the contact and receive permission for them to pass on the information you paid for.

Two examples: An adoptee already had lots of identifying information. This adoptee paid thousands of dollars to private detectives to do a search for him, with no results. After consulting a group it took him only a few phone calls, letters and copies of public records to complete his search.

In the other case an adoptee paid a private detective hundreds of dollars to search for his birthmother. In a short time the private detective returned and said that his birthmother was dead, but no other information, not even where her grave was.

All attorneys do not necessarily know what the adoption laws are and how to approach the court for a court order for access to the records.

Mental health professional, unfortunately, are not attuned to the truth in adoption. Too often, we hear stories of birthmothers being told to forget about their child because that happened a long time ago. And adoptees being told that birthmothers have closed that chapter in their life. If they specialize in adoption counseling, too often, they work mostly with adoptive parents and their infertility issues, and therefore are too concerned with protecting adoptive parents feelings.

The individuals and groups we have listed, we may not personally know, however they would not be included if we had received negative reports on them.

There are National search/support organizations. Nationally these groups have good reputations. There are also many independent groups, which are very good. Rarely is there a negative word said about any search group.

Search/support groups have membership dues ranging up to $100.00 per year. These membership dues do not begin to cover the expenses involved in supporting their outreach programs. The leadership of the groups are volunteers, over worked and under appreciated. The volunteers have a high rate of burn out; this work is emotionally and financially draining. Groups generally work on the basis that they will teach you how to do the search yourself, where to find information, questions to ask.

AAC -- (American Adoption Congress) An international organization that acts as an umbrella to individuals, search support groups and consultants, adoption agencies, social workers and mental health professionals.

Call: 1-800-274-OPEN

APFOR -- (Adoptive Parents For Open Records) This is a small organization on the east coast founded by adoptive parents. Their membership includes all sides of the triad. They do not have dues at this time. We recommend you send for their information. It could be helpful for the adoptive parents in your case.

PO Box 193, Long Valley NJ 07853

CUB -- (Concerned United Birthparents) is a group that originally focused on the birthparent's perspective. They are open to all sides of the triad and have great material available.

2000 Walker, Des Moines IA 50317

ISC -- (Independent Search Consultant) These are individuals who have taken training in adoption search techniques, and are certified as such. Many also belong to a search group. An ISC usually has a fee schedule. They can act as a teacher to you, or physically do a majority of the work. ISCs will make a contract with you.

ISRR -- (International Soundex Reunion Registry) Is the registry run by volunteers affected by adoption. It is a registry only; they are not involved in searches. It is completely supported by donations. A form is included.

PO Box 2312, Carson City NV 89702-2312

Birthparent Connection - This is an organization for birthmothers who stayed in a maternity/unwed mothers home. They have a registry. Fee $5 and SASE.

PO Box 230643, Encinatas CA 92023-0643

CERA -- (Council for Equal Rights in Adoption) CERA sponsors a annual march on Washington DC and has conferences.

401 E 74th St #17D, New York NY 10021

We believe that each individual should do their own search. The search process itself is healing. A part of the healing that is important will come from taking control in you life and going forth. Other people have been in control far too long. A long distance search could be too difficult to do yourself.

Some adoption agencies will do a secret intermediary search for you. For a fee. If they do not receive permission to release the information to you, you do not get it. And now you are again faced with doing a search yourself. Yes, we have followed-up intermediary searches and had successful reunions. Intermediaries can fail at contact.

We believe that each individual should make their own initial contact of the person sought. In the rare instance when a birthparent does not want contact, that could be your only chance to hear a voice the same. It does not allow the person sought to hear the sincerity in the searcher's voice. A third party contact can feel like a threat. And, your birthmother may be the only one who can tell you who your birthfather is. The agency will not help you search for him without consent of your birthmother. If you do not feel you can make the call, you are probably not ready for the reunion. Wait until you can do it yourself. Of course, you can have some of your triad friends with you.

We believe secret, so called confidential, intermediaries are a threat to adoption reform. Some of the people promoting this system are actually triad members, hard to believe, but they have been subverted, by the adoption agencies. The agencies knew they were losing a battle, and began a carefully planned program to bring "us" under control.

Adoptees, good news, approximately 90% of birthmothers want to be found. Of the 10% who do not want to be found, other members of your birth-family will probably welcome you, including siblings. Do not forget, you have a birthfather too; he could welcome you.

Birthparents, not so good news. The adoptee wanting to be found is not quite as high of a percentage. Men adoptees also have a tendency to hold more anger than women adoptees. This should not dissuade you though, you have a human right to know how your child fared in life! Your needs are valid and have the right to be fulfilled.

There seems to be a great deal of misunderstanding as to exactly what the adoption laws are. People seem to think the laws have changed, but they haven't, at least as far as making things better. Some of the laws have actually made the system of adoption worse.

Many states now have registries. In 1990 the American Adoption Congress began a boycott on state run registries. The reason is that they are not effective.

For example; the state of Oregon began their registry Jan 1st 1984. From then until December 31, 1990, a 6 year period they had 442 registrations with 7 matches, a 1% success rate. Registries do not work!

Some of these registries require counseling to be given when a match is made. Most of the counseling we have heard of has been inappropriate to down right cruel.

There is a FREE International Registry, ISRR (International Soundex Reunion Registry). No, don't get your hopes up, the best is successful only about 7% of the time. The average success rate of all registries is 2%. Do register though, it won't hurt.

Most groups keep an informal birth date registry. Sign-up on any FREE registry available to you.

Most states now require "non-identifying" information be given to at least the adult adoptee, adoptive parents and the birthparents. In most states there is no definition as to what non-identifying information is. We contend that it is anything except last name. We ask for it all including first names.

Non-identifying information is usually:

National origins, religious background, age at time of adoptees birth, physical description, marital status, education, occupations, talents, skills, hobbies of the birthparents and their parents and siblings, aunts/uncles, birthparents? Health of the birth-family, deaths of family members, why they died and at what age? Siblings to the adoptee and their ages? Where the birthparents were from? How and why the adoptee happened to be surrendered for adoption? When did she first contact the agency? In what hospital were you born.

The non-identifying information the birthparents receive is basically the same for the adoptive parents and if the agency has had any subsequent contact with the family since the adoption, updated information on the adoptee. Additionally, you have the right to know when the adoptee was placed in the home, and when the adoption was completed. And why it took so long.

Ginni D Snodgrass
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